I don’t have a blog, or blog spot, or site spot, or chat room, or whatever the hell it is called. In fact, I can’t even access your “sites” due to my company’s “no fun at any time for any reason” motto, so I am sitting down this morning with the mission of giving the Stewart update. Hope all is well with you guys and that the new year will bring success, happiness, more kids (or the first in some cases) and all the other touching emotional crap you see on cards this time of year.
To begin, sorry Lynds for the length of the email. In your November 26th decree you asked “who still writes lengthy emails?” (referring to your far superior blog page I assume). Well, I do, and you should be honored and touched by the length due to my lack of typing skills. You all remember my sheer speed in typing that was displayed during law school. Remember my typing exercises? That is why it is hard to believe that I finished so far ahead of you all in class rankings….weird huh?
Anyway, the Stewarts have had one crazy holiday. I will try to send one of the many stories each week to keep you amused. This one is likely the longest, so read at your leisure. We miss you all.
Two weeks before Christmas I began to experience a little pain in the right ear. I have always dealt with ear infection issues so to me it was not a big deal. I gave it the normal home remedies that had worked in the past and kept on going. I hate doctors (sorry Erik) and prefer to suffer alone as long a possible in hopes that it will simply go away. By Thursday morning of the week before Christmas I was so miserable and in pain that I was consuming ibuprofen faster that Hugh Hefner downs Viagra. That morning at work my eye started to swell shut. The swelling had gone from around the ear, down the neck and over the face to my right eye. To top it off I had a lunch appointment with Tom Thomas of Thomas and Mack, a well known and filthy rich real estate family in Vegas, concerning a law suit they were getting ready to file against us. I am sure I looked gruesome. I made it to lunch. Couldn’t hear much of what he was saying and he kept looking at me like “that is so nice this company would give this severely disfigured individual a chance at a life and career.” It was pitiful. I am not even sure now if I ordered anything. After returning to work my secretary told me I looked scary and should go home. Upon arriving at my house my wife said I looked like the guy on Goonies. You remember Goonies I am sure. Around 3 am that next morning after watching 23 consecutive sports centers (did you know they do like three episodes and then just run them over again???) my eardrum burst. That was not a pleasant thing. I said bad words and devoured another bottle of Ibuprofen.
The next morning I drove myself over to the emergency room. There is one large mountain range in between with an elevation change of about 3k feet. I took our two year old for moral support. I screamed all the way up and down that damn pass. She told me to stop screaming and drive faster. I was so glad she was there to help. The PA was amazed at the extent of swelling, severity of the problem, and kept repeating “I have never seen anything like this” which brought much comfort to me. She needed to look into the ear so she shoved some object as far as she could down the ear canal but it was closed completely. She then ripped it out and at that point I screamed “go get your boss, a real doctor!” Three came in. One would shove that damn thing down my ear and I would scream and he would look and then he would pass to the next guy and he would jam it down and I would scream and he would look and then rip it out…. At that point I suggested rather loudly that they shove the thing in, leave it there, and each take a look while it was still in there!
It was apparent by the look on their faces that they now classified me as hostile. They all left the room and then returned with two more men, making the ratio five men against me. They quickly explained that they were going to have to insert a stint into the ear to slowly open it up over the next week or so and that it was going to hurt a lot and therefore the men were here to hold me down. I was so sick at that point I gave little resistance, just a lot of screaming. My daughter passed the time kicking one of the guy’s legs and shouting “leave my dad alone!”.(Fuel to the hospital, $18.00; Hospital Visit $40.00; Watching 2 year old daughter kick the doctor, priceless.)
They had told me that once the stint was in it might relieve the pain and pressure somewhat. Unfortunately if just felt like the same miserable ear with something wedged in there. I told them I wanted drugs and I wanted them now! Unfortunately we had a 45 minute drive back to Alamo so I couldn’t pop the first percoset right away.
It was a quick ride home. I popped the first pill about 15 miles out of town. I couldn’t feel any change in the pain level so I popped two more. I then read the label which said one pill every 6 hours, DO NOT EXCEED DOSAGE. Woops. I will tell you though, by the time I pulled into the metropolis of Alamo I had NEVER felt so good. It took me almost a half hour to make it the last three miles to my house. I was concentrating very hard on the road….
I pretty much remained in a drug induced comma for the next ten days. We spent time at Kate’s parents’ home, which I found extremely enjoyable. I hung out with Kate’s sister who I cannot stand when I am sober. It was great. Ah, the power of drugs. Kate made me detox on new years eve. It was a sad day. I plead my case that there were still pills in the bottle and that you should always finish your medication. She was strong. New Years Day was miserable, but I am over it now. Percoset is a magical drug!
Well, my ear healed and I am back to 90% hearing. I learned two valuable lessons: 1.) usually infection and pain does not go away with time; 2.) I could easily be a drug addict.
Hope all is well with everyone. Sorry I can’t read your blogs or join your private networks. I am a simple man with limited technology.
Sean
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